daily musings |

heART work

Today I will be cleaning the kitchen and working on my novel for young adults. Right now, it is my heart project.

Over the years I’ve divided projects into those that are “bread and butter” and those that are from my “heart”. Heart projects can be bread and butter projects too, but I take them more seriously. I’m emotionally invested.

Yesterday it was decided that from this point forward I will only work on heart projects. Life is too short. My deal with the Universe (yes, that is Universe with a capital U) is that I write the stories or make the art and it places the work for me. I do my part and it does the rest. Co-creation. So far so good.

Links make your day a little more lovely:

This interview with Kyo Maclear author of the sweetest book ever.

This book trailer for the above mentioned book. The song by Basia Bulat is gorgeous!

This how-to for making wine bottle vases. It scares me a little, but I may have to try it.

This e-course. I hope you watch the trailer.

And since heart projects were the subject today, let’s get to Basia Bulat’s Heart of My Own.

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June 11, 2012

all of my days

Yesterday was magical. I started the day early by watering my flowers and felt in awe of the brilliance of the colors. The shocking pink and orange gerbera daisies along with the deep purple petunias edged in chartreuse are my favorites.

I let Selkie play in the spray from the hose until she decided it would be much more fun to dig a hole under the picnic table. I didn’t fight her this time because of my much anticipated distraction…a letter (with art) from Paris.

In the afternoon there was a late breakfast at a local diner that not only has kitschy vinyl tablecloths dotted with turquoise, navy blue and yellow fish, but is also a place where two people can leave stuffed (if they are so inclined) for ten dollars. I didn’t indulge in the one dollar Mimosas, but I reserve the right to in the future. On our way out we bumped into a guy who used to own a coffee shop down the street from us, but who now works in my favorite restaurant (also just down the street). Some people are a pleasure every time you see them. Even Mark is warm to him.

Later, in my studio, I chatted with a friend on Skype for quite a while, perused Facebook and eventually made my way to the beach for an hour. I read by the water and decided that bathing suit ready or not, I have got to swimming this summer. It’s been too long.

I closed out my day with Madmen, some stretching and a tall glass of sparkling grapefruit mineral water. Perfect.

Oh, and on the next camping trip, I’m making these:

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June 10, 2012

still here

The other day I wrote to a friend about some changes in my life and health. I closed by writing, “I’m still in here, somewhere. . . if you know what I mean.”

Later I headed to the beach for some respite from the heat. It was windy. The sand was hot but the water was icy. I took off my flats, waded in a few inches and loved the cold numbing my ankles. Small waves hit my legs with tremendous force. They pulled the wet sand from under my feet causing me to sink a few inches with every crash. It was a dance of regaining footing and losing it. Again and again. Still, I kept moving forward. I wanted to be in that water with all of my heart’s desire. Nothing could have stopped me. I continued my awkward water-sand dance a long way down the shore.

It occurred to me that when I really want to do something. . .I do it. Just last week I would have said I never follow through for myself and hardly ever go after what I want with determination. However, I know this isn’t entirely true.

Maybe I haven’t really wanted what I thought. Perhaps, rather than seeing my life as a long list of unmet goals, I need to accept the idea that many of the things I deem important are things I don’t want with all of my heart’s desire. Perhaps it would be wise to reassess and stop berating myself for not accomplishing the things on a list I created when I was fourteen. You think?

I look forward to exploring my real wants and my new dreams. Perhaps I’ll be surprised.

I came home and looked at the photo taken just hours before I left for the beach and it struck me as too clear and too crisp. I’m gaining clarity, but still finding my way out, so I edited the picture to more accurately reflect what is happening inside. Clarity is coming, new dreams are being formed.

Nothing is solid, but I am emerging.

I am in here, somewhere. . .if you know what I mean.

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June 9, 2012

it’s official

I once had a friend who was always raving about goat milk ice cream. I can’t even think of such a thing without making an ugly facial expression.

Goat milk and I go way back. When I lived in on a small island in Maine our close friends raised goats. Watching them strain the fresh milk and pour it on our homemade granola was fascinating, but choking down that granola (on numerous occasions) was a real test of my manners. I didn’t think it was gross because it came from goats, not at all. I didn’t like the taste.

Later, while working for a catering company, I had the chance to taste many varieties of goat milk cheese. I wasn’t impressed.

I’ve actually felt defensive with foodie friends because some are certain I must have a “bland palate” not to appreciate the musty tang of a good chèvre. Isn’t that a little insulting? I dislike culinary elitism. Statements such as, “Oh, it’s an acquired taste.” make me roll my eyes. Who has the time?

Today, I bought some feta (I usually buy cow’s milk feta) and missed the place on the label where it said it was made with goat milk. I opened the package, sliced a piece and as soon as it hit my mouth I knew I’d made a mistake. There is no getting around it. I do not like it, will never like it and that is that.

If you are still hanging in with me on this post, here is a little treat-its already been funded, but I love the idea/video: Wollstonecraf

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June 9, 2012

A few days ago I spent some quality time at Mauthe Lake. It was part of my Transit of Venus celebration and unless green smoothies really are miracles and I live to see 2117, it was the last one in this lifetime. It was breezy and the sky was clear. I had a perfect view (with my eclipse glasses) and while waiting for that little brown dot to become visible, I found myself totally mesmerized by the plants under the surface of the lake. The picture does not do the lake justice. You cannot see the yellow and orange flowers that dotted the lilypads nor can you see the tiny fish darting about in their underwater world. It was bliss.

I make no bones about the fact that I don’t have much of a formal education. At this point in my life I no longer carry shame about dropping out of high school. I recognize that life has schooled me pretty well. However, every now and then something comes up that serves as a reminder of some of the gaps I have in basic knowledge. I recently stumbled across this book in a thrift store. It was fifty cents. Well worth the price.

There is a reading for each day of the week on one of seven subjects (History, Literature, Visual Arts, Science, Music, Philosophy and Religion). I’ve been pleased and rather smug until this point because there haven’t been any huge surprises. However, today as I began reading page two I was brought down from yesterday’s high.

I never realized that James Joyce’s Ulysses is a retelling of Homer’s Odyssey in the context of a single day in the life his character Leopold Bloom. Leopold is a Jew living in Catholic Ireland and very much a hero. Of course I’d heard of James Joyce, but to be honest I just never felt drawn to his work. I think I did try reading Dubliners once, but never focused or finished it. Now I feel a little spark of interest that didn’t exist yesterday. I love stories that are retold or sit on top of one another so to speak. I can’t help but wonder if everyone learned this in their Sophomore English classes?

OK, and now onto a recent realization. I saw a gorgeous vanity in a thrift store the other day. It is the absolute 1950′s vanity of my dreams…right down to its enormous circular frame-less mirror and its beautiful color (worn vintage green). It even has a bench and a matching chest of drawers. A few years ago purchasing it would have been a no brainer, but right now we are committed to saving for some other things.

I had a few moments of tantrum as I stood there knowing I would not be calling a mover to come pick it up and deliver it to my apartment. OK, more than a few moments. Suddenly it dawned on me that until that day I had never even seen the vanity of my dreams made manifest in the real world. Now at least I know it exists and there must be others. I feel more patient because someday, I will see that vanity again and someday it will be mine.

And, life was nice last night. We drove to Pine Woods and had a fast food picnic near the lake.

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June 8, 2012

an invitation

I’ve been undergoing enormous personal change over here. I am in a period of renewal and healing. I’ll get into the healing some other time, but I can share more about the renewal right now.

I used to be a person who truly appreciated the small things in life. The tiny things like a quartz crystal or a handmade pin wrapped beautifully and gifted to me with no words by my soon to be closest friend in the world or the loving act of a magenta Gerbera daisy dropped off at my job just because. I understood the blessing of an out of the blue (yet perfectly timed) phone call or even a friendly wave from a stranger.

Intellectually I still understand the importance of friendly gestures and tiny acts of kindness, but lately my appreciation hasn’t been heartfelt. I’ve been experiencing disconnect on many levels.

Recently, I had the luxury to spend a great deal of time doing nothing. Several things occurred to me and one of them was that I miss blogging and documenting my life the way I did several years ago on another blog. I shared ups and downs and epiphanies that may have been trivial to some, but always felt important to me. I also realized how much I miss learning and discovering new things. I used to be quite curious about the world around me and all the “goings on” of the planet, history, science, metaphysical experiments and people’s ideas and stories. Now, I’ll admit to having a rather lazy brain and also to being kind of lax about emotional, physical, mental and spiritual self-care. I plan to change that.

I’d like to share more regularly at this space and while I cannot promise bright lights and applause (except my own) I’d love it if you stopped in to comment on a post or two, to share some of your own insights and to join me in upgrading my life. I plan to share the little things (Hey, I found a place that makes a great latte!) and the not so little things (Hey, did you know that your lack of energy might not be “your fault”? It could be because you are severely anemic?). Plus, I love tidbits, poetry and little gems of joy so you can expect the unexpected when you visit.

Please come along and join me…let’s see how we do.

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May 4, 2012

the pen cannot do it without you

Keep Writing

When what you write
makes you cry,
keep writing.
When the words
are coming slowly,
or too quickly,
or not at all,
keep writing.
When the stories
won’t tell themselves
the way they showed up
in your head,
dammit,
keep writing.
When you are tired
or bored
or sad
or angry
when you are freshly dumped
when you are floating on air
when you are wicked
when you are good
when you are stuffed
when you are starving
when you are sure
there is not one more thing in the world
to say,
keep writing.
You are not here
to be significant
or meaningful
or even great,
you are here
because the pen
cannot do it
without you.
So pick it up
and park your ass
and write
and write
and write.

Colleen Wainright

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May 2, 2012

wifi

Oh Lord, this little white box on my lap and its magical, invisible companion, WiFi.

Was there ever anything so marvelous and so terrible?

Jennifer McGuiggan at the Word Cellar

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February 13, 2012

Right Now

I am:

packing to go to Illinois for a few weeks
preparing the studio to be painted while I am gone (yes!)
enjoying decaf coffee for an interesting switch
grateful for an interesting talk about marriage this weekend
surprisingly sad about Whitney Houston’s death
burning Hope incense
looking at the last photos of the studio in its current state and excited about how it will look when it is finally painted and organized. The “After” pictures are just a few weeks away.

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January 25, 2012

a little later

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January 25, 2012

so far…

Hope incense in burning…I need an infusion. These boys are playing…loud and heartfelt.

Journal making is progressing…for no one in particular…just for me right now and this is nice.

Winter blues seem to have set in, but perhaps it is deeper than that. I’ve been reading a lot about serotonin and dopamine levels and plan to add healthy food and activities that safely and naturally boost both. In the meantime, enjoy the day and maybe I’ll be back with some more journals later. If anyone out there has tips for pretty deep-set winter angst please feel free to comment.

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January 19, 2012

pretty mess 2

I like catching these random “messes” around the studio. Suddenly I’ll notice how what was simply me emptying my hand of crystal drops on the nearest flat surface (the windowsill) yesterday, is now a mini-scape of some sort.

Lot’s of contemplation the past few days. I am understanding myself better than ever and seeing, for lack of a better term, (or is it the best one?) my own geometry quite clearly.

I lack a certain type of creative discipline. I’d love to be paid to sit on a throne like an oracle and just toss out ideas for art and writing projects and let others go develop them. I like ideas and have great vision, in fact, I think my true gift is my creative vision, but so far, process is my greatest challenge.

We shall see. I’m working on it, but may have to go get a cup of coffee to help me stay focused. They aren’t paleo, but man could I some blueberry pancakes!

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January 17, 2012

gems

Tet: 1975 Year of the Cat

Today

we all gain one year in age,

no matter the year we were born.

Tet, our New Year’s,

doubles as everyone’s birthday.

Now I am ten, learning

to embroider circular stitches,

to calculate fractions into percentages,

to nurse my papaya tree to bear many fruits.

But last night I pouted

when mother insisted

one of my brothers

must rise first

this morning

to bless our house

because only male feet

can bring luck.

An old angry knot

expanded in my throat.

I decided

to wake before dawn

and tap my big toe

to the tile floor

first.

Not even Mother

sleeping beside me, knew.

From Inside Out & Back Again by Thanhha Lai

Winner of the National Book Award for Young People’s Literature and based upon her own childhood as a Vietnamese immigrant to Alabama.

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January 15, 2012

indecent exposure

This book came into my life a few years ago. I highly recommend it.

Think about this quote and all that it means:

One must think like a hero to behave like a merely decent human being.
May Sarton

Sometimes it feels that way doesn’t it?

Though perhaps at times we mix up our priorities and our standards are too high. How many of us feel indecent because we decided not to go to a party in favor of staying home in pajamas and watching a movie? Or because we forgot to write “Happy Birthday!” on a facebook friend’s wall? Some cringe at the thought of surprise visitors because we deem our housekeeping lacking.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have life standards or some kind of personal code of decency, but I think it’s common to worry about indecent exposure over things that shouldn’t matter all that much. I find striking a balance between my true life code and the inconsequential things a bit of a challenge. Just when I think I have my priorities in line I wind up feeling deep shame because I ate some cake or I become an apologist for my appearance when I know better.

Do you ever struggle to find your sense of balance in this way?

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January 14, 2012

a pretty mess

I noticed this little mess on the table today, isn’t is pretty as far as messes go?

Speaking of pretty messes...Cate Parr...I love you:

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January 14, 2012

across the miles

These are two greeting cards I received during the holidays. One came from Amsterdam and one came from just outside Washington D.C.

Notice the similarities. The colors and the flower in the center of the heart compared to the design on her dress. It is like they were made to go together, so now they do.

I’ll bet if you read this blog regularly you are starting to figure something out.

I don’t sleep.

I’m in an odd sleep cycle so I just go with it. I am hoping to break the pattern on my birthday (which is coming up). I made reservations for myself at a local bed and breakfast and I plan to sleep when I am there. I’m making sure my body knows this cycle of awake, awake, awake needs to end. Do you ever have a hunch that something will change shortly and know that trying to make it happen sooner is impossible? It isn’t about too much caffeine or light or noise…it’s just here.

Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep. ~Fran Lebowitz

A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow. ~Charlotte Brontë

I’m not asleep… but that doesn’t mean I’m awake. ~Author Unknown

The feeling of sleepiness when you are not in bed, and can’t get there, is the meanest feeling in the world. ~Edgar Watson Howe

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January 13, 2012

peaceful easy feelings

I’m in the very early stages of working through Christine Mason Miller’s Desire To Inspire. I was fortunate enough to win a copy in a giveaway on Pixie Campbell’s blog. Lucky me.

I will report more on the book later, but I am already knocked out by the beauty of the images and words.

In other news: Some versions of Paleo chocolate chip cookies are a bad experience, but as far as bad experiences go…

Two quotes have me thinking:

Rivers, ponds, lakes and streams – they all have different names, but they all contain water. just as religions do – they all contain truths.
Muhammad Ali

And this one, which I relate to wholly and fully:

I restore myself when I’m alone.
Marilyn Monroe

I love this song:

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January 12, 2012

early in the morning

It didn’t snow last night. I waited, but it never happened. Maybe later.

That cut crystal ball shown above has sat upon the dressers of women in my family for over 100 years. We’re a family of good intentions, but many things have been left behind, broken or lost along the way, so it is especially important to me. I don’t have a dresser, but I like it randomly placed around the apartment anyway.

The day ahead is busy. Writing, moving some boxes downstairs, hair appointment and maybe some pictures of my latest batch of nabat which turned out magnificently!

In the meantime…short and sweet:

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
– Havelock Ellis

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January 12, 2012

vintage indian florals

My love for vintage textiles and patterns is no secret so it shouldn’t surprise anyone that it is 3:02 am here and I’m up looking at some of my favorites from this book (thanks mom). Most of these are from the mid 1800′s. Love.

After you lose yourself in the patterns, be sure to stop by here and get in on a $100 gift certificate for meat from US Wellness & Meats, unless you are a vegetarian, in which case you may prefer this one (I believe it goes until Tuesday morning).

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January 10, 2012

Ane Brun & Double Dog Dares

I’ve been “juicing” like a madwoman lately. My new favorite blend is cucumber, pear, ginger and celery.

This video was/is inspiring.

I’d like to invite you to join in over at the Squam blog if you need a little help or motivation in the day to day with short or long-term projects. You can post your need/resolution/intention or what you need to be dared to do and check in every Thursday.

If you read the comments you will be knocked out by the support being demonstrated…women to women. Women declare their intentions from organizing, finishing writing projects, doing taxes, losing weight or even simply becoming a little less introverted.

I’m not exactly a team player when it comes to my needs and asking for help, but I did state my desire for a little accountability in the juicing/paleo diet area of my life. I dared myself to make more smoothies and juices. I intuitively know this is a good practice for me right now.

Go on over…I Double Dog Dare you! If that isn’t “it” for you, I understand, but invite you to share one of your yearly intentions in the comments here. I’d love to hear from you….

In the meantime…a little Ane is always nice.

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