Category: Uncategorized

put a little love in your heart

Image

My girl loves this house. She races from window to window following the kids who pass by every weekday morning and afternoon. The house was built in 1888 and has three window seats. I pulled the cushions off because they are thin and worn, but plan to stitch up some covers modeled after pillowcases by fall. I think they’ll see a lot of action.

I’m busy now. . .back to Chicago for who knows how long to help care for my grandmother. I do this because it is right to do and I want to help, but she has entered the abusive stage of old age and it wears me out.  Her verbal/emotional abuse is becoming epic and is mostly directed towards me because I was the “change maker” when it came to her move from her home and loss of independence. She’ll be ninety-one soon and has two kinds of cancer and emphysema so it is remarkable that she lived on her own for so long anyway.

I recently told my brother that the grandma I loved is long gone and I said my goodbyes and made my peace with her. Now, we are left caring for this tiny frail body which houses a personality that makes Mama Lift look like a real sweetheart!

Recently, she threw a fit about something and called me a, “Fat, ugly, sticky-fingered goblin-faced dirty louse!”  She warned me that I am never to call her grandma again because I’m too mean to be her granddaughter. 

Later, she fretted because I wasn’t wearing a coat when we went to the doctor and she worried that my arms would be cold. I commented that her remarks almost sounded grandmotherly and that I might listen if they were coming from someone who allowed me to call her grandma. 

She looked at me and said, ” I’m a bitch. I’ve been so horrible-awful. Just terrible.  I don’t know why I cannot stop myself from saying horrible-awful things.”  I replied that she’s angry, feels like she has no control, is dying with many life regrets and that getting sick and old sucks. 

A few days before we’d had a discussion because she didn’t understand the term “validate your feelings”. It’s one that her caregiver uses frequently.

She thanked me for so “eloquently” validating her feelings and we had a good laugh. Her sense of humor is still hanging in there. 

I’ll be camping before I return to her care.  A full report on the trip will appear in a week or two.

In the meantime. . .This is from Rachael Rice…love her music.

Put a Little Love in your Heart

 

 

 

I am also going camping soon.

 

showing a little . . . telling a little

Image

Right now I am playing a vintage Nina Simone record that once belonged to my grandmother, then my father and now me.  I am on the downstairs of a big old Victorian house with hardwood floors, hodgepodge but loved furniture and even though it is dark and I can’t see out of the windows, I know the herb garden I dug and planted is out there. There are lilacs budding as well as more Lily of the Valley flowers than my neighbor Jeanne would care to count. She’s not a fan because they have a habit of spreading and taking over, but I’ve always fantasized about having them grow on land I tend.

The house is still and so am I. I think I hear us breathing.  Me, the house and Nina. Unpacking is slow, but I’m settling in. The lilacs are tall enough to reach my bedroom window on the second floor.  I need sleep, but that’s nothing new.  I have a grandmother in hospice care who has become paranoid enough to think I’m stealing from her. I miss my father terribly and I’ve been a little depressed. Yet, in this moment I couldn’t be more content or feel more peaceful.  This house is shelter for my spirit and a long awaited dream come true. I think it is mutual.  I have fallen in love with this house and it has fallen in love with me.

A few pics of small happenings around here. You’ll have to take my word for it when it comes to the tiny feather that blew away before I could snap a photo, but if you look closely at one of the pictures, you will see the dainty blue egg shell I found the same day. The unpacking is slow, but little sections are coming together. I always hang the art and place the plants last. Finished pictures will be posted in good time.

The bouquet is the first of the season. Lily of the Valley, Violets and chive flowers.

ImageImageImage Image

I’ve been introduced to a poet by Liane over at enhabiten.

I want to share him too.

John Spaulding

your love

your love.

Pine River Dairy

Last night we watched the fireworks.  The one above was my  favorite…the pinks were so PINK!  I took this picture with my cell-phone and for once wasn’t worried about it being blurry. I think it’s perfect.  Living a block away from the river has its perks.

Today we went to Pine River Dairy for ice cream. Twenty-five cent cones.  I love that it wasn’t an anniversary special. They are inexpensive every day and a nice option for budget conscious families (with a car).

dreaming in bad poetry

Last night was mostly a sleepless night. I’m not sure why.  Our bedroom was cool despite the ninety degree day. I did sleep for an hour or so and had a dream.

I was on a bed with several people.  One of them was a mixed media artist and poet. She had a volume of poems printed on white paper and pasted into a turquoise and yellow book.  I opened it and this was one of them:

i’m sorry the media got involved

it was only meant for us

you have to admit

the sign on the door did say cash only

I was a little embarrassed for her, but then a Cuban man showed up and he had a family issue and needed my help.  My dog Selkie was also running around and my grandfather was on the bed too. I woke up and jotted the dream down right away. I have no idea what it means.

Why on earth am I sharing this?

Let me make up for it with some link love for the coffee drinkers and writers out there:

money/grants for writers

Here’s a mint idea.

leftover coffee?

some gold amongst the straw

the lake, filthy love letters, mangos, writers

 

A lake carries you into recesses of feeling otherwise impenetrable. 

William Wordsworth

I could get lost in the sound of waves and be happy ever after.  A little known fact is that before I decided to move to Manitowoc, I had never been here.  Not even for a visit.

I knew I needed to be near Lake Michigan and no other town sounded right.  It was one of the rare times when I followed a calling.  I love the lake and many aspects of my small town are charming, but I’ll admit to wondering why I’m here. What led me to this little town when there are so many other ones on the lakeshore?  I feel my time here may be up, but there is no urgency or certainty in that feeling.  We shall see what we shall see and that is that.

In other news:

Did you know that you can grow a mango tree/plant much the same way avocado trees were started in the 70′s?

James Joyce write some positively filthy love letters to lucky Nora. Check out December 8th. Who knew?

I like many of these tips for writers…especially Kurt Vonnegut’s.

all of my days

Yesterday was magical.  I started the day early by watering my flowers and felt in awe of the brilliance of the colors. The shocking pink and orange gerbera daisies along with the deep purple petunias edged in chartreuse are my favorites.

I let Selkie play in the spray from the hose until she decided it would be much more fun to dig a hole under the picnic table.  I didn’t fight her this time because of my much anticipated distraction…a letter (with art) from Paris.

In the afternoon there was a late breakfast at a local diner that not only has kitschy vinyl tablecloths dotted with turquoise, navy blue and yellow fish, but is also a place where two people can leave stuffed (if they are so inclined) for ten dollars.  I didn’t indulge in the one dollar Mimosas, but I reserve the right to in the future.  On our way out we bumped into a guy who used to own a coffee shop down the street from us, but who now works in my favorite restaurant (also just down the street).  Some people are a pleasure every time you see them.  Even Mark is warm to him.

Later, in my studio, I chatted with a friend on Skype for quite a while, perused Facebook and eventually made my way to the beach for an hour. I read by the water and decided that bathing suit ready or not, I have got to swimming this summer. It’s been too long.

I closed out my day with Madmen, some stretching and a tall glass of sparkling grapefruit mineral water.  Perfect.

Oh, and on the next camping trip, I’m making these:

still here

The other day I wrote to a friend about some changes in my life and health. I closed by writing, “I’m still in here, somewhere. . . if you know what I mean.”

Later I headed to the beach for some respite from the heat.  It was windy.  The sand was hot but the water was icy.  I took off my flats, waded in a few inches and loved the cold numbing my ankles.  Small waves hit my legs with tremendous force.  They pulled the wet sand from under my feet causing me to sink a few inches with every crash.  It was a dance of regaining footing and losing it. Again and again. Still, I kept moving forward.  I wanted to be in that water with all of my heart’s desire.  Nothing could have stopped me.  I continued my awkward water-sand dance a long way down the shore.

It occurred to me that when I really want to do something. . .I do it.  Just last week I would have said I never follow through for myself and hardly ever go after what I want with determination.  However, I know this isn’t entirely true.

Maybe I haven’t really wanted what I thought.  Perhaps, rather than seeing my life as a long list of unmet goals, I need to accept the idea that many of the things I deem important are things I don’t want with all of my heart’s desire.  Perhaps it would be wise to reassess and stop berating myself for not accomplishing  the things on a list I created when I was fourteen.  You think?

I look forward to exploring my real wants and my new dreams. Perhaps I’ll be surprised.

I came home and looked at the photo taken just hours before I left for the beach and it struck me as too clear and too crisp. I’m gaining clarity, but still finding my way out, so I edited the picture to more accurately reflect what is happening inside. Clarity is coming, new dreams are being formed.

Nothing is solid, but I am emerging.

I am in here, somewhere. . .if you know what I mean.

Blossoming

I read Soule Mama’s post this morning and it made me feel peaceful.  As I was reading of how her children view seasons, years and time I remembered similar discussions Adam and I had when we were little. We got such a kick out of calculating how old (ancient and crumbling) we would be in the year 2000. It seems hard to believe that we did grow up and not only hit that year, but it’s been twelve more years since that milestone.

It takes many years for a tree to bear fruit, but when it does….we’re so glad to have planted it. We don’t refuse to eat its offerings because they didn’t come sooner, yet  it is so much fun to put in peas or lettuce and know that with a little attention, we will have salads in a matter of weeks.

Her post made me think about how important it is to have projects and plans….long-term and short-term. Something always in the soil so to speak.  I like the instant win I feel when I make a mirror or a wallet or a journal, but I also know that my time spent writing is valuable and someday all those pages filled with words that seem so disjointed in the moment will someday reach their blossom time and I’ll be so happy to have written them.

I have been writing more these days and finally added Morning Pages back to my daily routine.  I realized that writing is more important to me than anything and yet I am afraid of it.   I think it is because I have always known it is what I am meant to do….I have stories to tell and it scares me that somehow I won’t tell them well enough or worse…that they won’t be understood.  I am just beginning to let that go. I’m in the early stages of shaking off the fear.

I also think of how my weight has ballooned and my health has deteriorated and of how years ago, I didn’t think in terms of seasons. I wanted instant weight loss and health and it didn’t happen.  Now I am finally understanding that little seeds of self care may not pop out of the earth tomorrow, but they will break through at some point and I won’t be unfriendly when they do.  I can see the value in taking action and letting my current body merge with my future body slowly without the big impact I used to crave. I can be patient.

I am so glad for the internet…to think that one person’s blog post this morning opened up a whole world of thought in my studio while I sat drinking tea.

I know the picture doesn’t quite fit the post, but I did a search on etsy for blossoms and this popped up. Isn’t it great? I remember the song and it used to embarrass me, in fact it was the only song I requested the D.J. not play at our wedding because I didn’t want to be reminded of my own ample derriere that day or feel foolish if somehow I ended up being the only one on the dance floor when it was playing. Isn’t that nuts? Especially the part about me not wanting to feel foolish considering that I went full-out John Travolta on the dance floor with my friend Sandi when Stayin’ Alive came on.

Brushes

Image

Things have been busy, life has been full and yet sometimes I feel the need to empty myself out…to shake out the pockets of my spirit and brush away the tiny pieces of here and there or this and that I’ve accumulated along the way. I feel this way a few times a year, but almost always during early spring.

I am slowly coming out of hibernation.  I don’t want to be rushed. Nothing is worse than being jiggled, jostled, jolted or jarred out of a deep sleep when you want to keep dreaming, but on some level I feel the sun and know that now it’s time to get moving again.

I am lucky….I have two galleries/shops who want my mirrors and this is the week of shipping! Making the collages has been far more rewarding than I ever expected.

Isn’t the photo shown above gorgeous…it is by Karen Michel and I found it on Pinterest (a dangerous place to visit).

I decided not to grow vegetables this summer, but to plant a whole garden of flowers instead….I’ll frequent farmer’s market for my food and make beauty in my tiny plot of back yard.

Happy day and here is a thought…

Behold, my friends, the spring is come; the earth has gladly received the embraces of the sun, and we shall soon see the results of their love!

Sitting Bull

 

 

best laid plans

Today didn’t go as planned and I had a hard time getting into some sort of alternative plan groove. So, I made a journal. I am not saying I’ve found yet another “new thing” to make, but I had a lot of fun piecing this together from scraps and love how seamless the look is.

OK, so maybe someday Manitowoc will have a Japanese restaurant and a gourmet deli stocked with organic treats and a movie theater that shows matinees on weekdays. In the meantime, I may be making more journals.

I think I’ll go for a walk first.

the day in pictures

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Missing from the show and tell? Movie tickets, lots of laughs, a good friend and one perfectly gorgeous persimmon!

4:38 a.m. windowscape

Such a bleak looking scene after what was quite a lively street at bartime.

Dawn:  When men of reason go to bed. 

Ambrose Bierce

This is the view from our little laundry room patio. Normally the tree blocks the site of the old Manitowoc Hotel & Bank so it’s nice to see it lit up.

This song is on right now…it puts me in a melancholy mood…a little emotional, but that isn’t such a bad thing. Not tonight anyway. Mark and Selkie are sleeping like babies and I’m reading, doing laundry and Spotify is meeting my music needs. Not too exciting for a Friday night, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

………

every day of the year

This was my solstice gift from Mark and wow…what a gift. The etsy seller worked hard to get it here on time and it is more beautiful than the picture shows. It has been in my etsy favorites for several months and finally holding it is practically a surreal experience.

Tomorrow night I plan to share pictures of my two solstice celebrations, but in the meantime here’s a little light for you and a reminder that you’ve got to let it shine every day of the year:

Nabat, Incantations & Kirtan

I’m making Persian nabat today. Nabat is basically rock candy, but it is grown in a tray and not eaten like candy and instead used in tea as a sweetener or to settle an upset stomach. Sometimes it is made with saffron and used as a spice in Iranian kitchens.  I’ve experimented over the years and today I decided to make vanilla nabat colored and flavored with organic hibiscus flowers. It will take a week or two to grow and then I’ll have a sheet of rose colored gorgeousness to break into pieces and give to friends.

I set aside a little of the syrup to mix with sparkling water.  Let me tell you…vanilla and hibiscus flower soda may be my new favorite. Not paleo, but a nice treat on a day that a friend happens to send you your own personal incantation for new insight. Sigh. It couldn’t have come at a better time or on prettier paper. On solstice there will be incantation candles burning and that’s for sure.

I recently found out that our local yoga center will be offering monthly kirtans in 2012. Wow! Way to go Manitowoc. I love kirtan and have not been to one in over a year. The center is one block away and I plan to become a regular on kirtan nights.

If you are unfamiliar with call and response kirtan, here is a video to get you acquainted:

window

power

Magic is not a practice. It is a living, breathing web of energy that, with our permission, can encase our every action.

Dorothy Morrison, Everyday Magic

I’m more of a “celebrate the harvest” person than I am a Halloween person, though I love this day and the fact that it usually rains.

To me it is less about ghosts and goblins and more about remembrance of those close to us who have moved on (in spirit or not).  It can be just as important to remember and reflect on a living person as it is one who is no longer on the planet.  So, if you are feeling haunted by ghosts of  relationships past perhaps they need a little tending by way of thought, writing or prayer.

I love fall celebrations and the best part of today is that we are all that much closer to Thanksgiving.

This afternoon I will take all of our bedding to the laundromat for a thorough washing in hot water, soap and herbs. It seems like a nice way to  honor the mysterious of a day like today. I like knowing the accumulated energetic wisps of sleep and dreams clinging to our blankets will be rinsed away with clove scented water.  I bought cloves and cinnamon sticks for this purpose and made a strong infusion last night. The infusion will go into a laundry ball with clove and anise essential oils.

I’ll also light a few candles and play some good music. I have a concrete garden witch on my stove and she’s begging me to make some soup. . .we shall see.

I want to close with this quote about self-empowerment.  Let’s save it in our minds so the next time we have the occasion to respectfully disagree with someone by speaking our truth we don’t hold back.

“But most important of all, she explained that it was all right to say ‘No, I disagree.’  that was a gift. I understood it was power. The power to think my own thoughts. The power to to believe in myself.”  Alice Hoffman, Incantation

Facets

I am still having some camera issues, but no matter since I have something to share. Look at what another of my productive friends is up to! I can personally vouch for Janice and the fun you will have every morning when her emails arrive! My favorite line in her is the one about the “tumbler full of surprises“!  I do hope you sign-up!

FACETS

A Gemstone Lover’s Daily Elixir

Join us for Facets, beginning on November 1, 2011    where every day I will shake my gemstone tumbler full of surprises and roll out an eloquent elixir mix of enchanted tidbits about the stones to be delivered each day to your personal email.

~~Facets is a daily dose of gemstone magic and beauty brewed up only for you to enchant, uplift, inform, and nourish the soul!~~

Whether you’ve always wanted to know more about gemstones, or are already an experienced collector,

Facets will present a myriad of fascinating, cultural phenomenon about the stones that’s put together in an interesting way.  Whether short and sweet, or rich and lingering, you will want to savor and ponder yours all day long.

At just 28.00 (less than a dollar a day)  Facets is a daily, eclectic email filled with one or more of the following:

 ∙ Facts, fun, and frivolities about the stones from unique sources

∙  Baubles and bangles from around the world cloaked with mysticism

∙  Gorgeous gemstone images and videos to delight your senses

∙  Magical gemstone tips for magnifying your inner beauty and sacred space

∙  Stories and tales from my own personal journey  shared exclusively here

∙  Gemstone Oracle card readings exclusively for Facets subscribers

∙  Meditations to sooth your spirit and further your work with the stones

∙  Poetry, Music and other artsy gemstone things that speak to your soul

∙  Cultural, historical, and magical tidbits to intrigue your mind

 ∙ Various and sundry gemstone related treasures: recipes, remedies, grids and more!

Order Your Facets Daily Email Elixir for November

for the low price of only 28.00

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 201 other followers